Food is an integral part of Indian social etiquette. You visit someone, there is bound to be food and you are bound to eat it. And, often in the middle of this social bonding, your hosts pop the question, “How is it?” In spite of years of social interaction, I still freeze at this question.
It is a slippery slope. Is your host soliciting your feedback on the food, or do they simply want to hear a compliment? Without a clear answer, I play it safe and mumble something like, “Oh! It’s so good.”
I am easy to please when it comes to food, so I am never lying. But I wonder what might happen if one day I blurt out, “You know, I hated it. Can you please make something else next time.” Will there even be a next time?
Things would be so much simpler if people would just ask for praise instead of making it look like they are seeking feedback. I hold in the highest of regard, that rare self-assured host who confidently invites praise by asking, “The food is good. Right?”
Whether you are giving feedback or asking for it, it becomes hard to distinguish between feedback and praise.
A webinar I attended recently, threw an interesting light on this. The speaker was an authority in her field. At the end of the session, she politely asked for feedback. The spellbound audience began to shower her with praise. But she did something unusual. She stopped them, and said, “Can you tell me what you noticed me doing that had this effect on you. You know, that I can use.”
And that is what good feedback is all about. It is about observations and not opinions. “I loved your lecture” is a compliment. It’s not feedback. Feedback sounds like, “Your real-word stories kept me riveted.” Or “The way you paused after each point gave me enough time to grasp such a complex topic.”
When giving feedback, avoid criticism. Criticism is simply a subjective opinion, a judgement. It tells more about the person passing the judgement than the one receiving it. Feedback should be about the receiver.
Feedback should also not contain praise. Because it also not about the receiver. It is about what you like. Praise is simply another form of judgement. It just doesn’t feel very judgmental because it is so positive.
Now, this does not mean that you should stop praising or criticizing people all together. Do it when the occasion calls for it. But don’t be under the impression that you are giving feedback. You are simply giving your opinion. That is not feedback.
If you want to give feedback, tell people what you noticed them doing without labeling it as good or bad. If you wish to go further, tell them what impact it had on you. But don’t be the judge of the impact it had on others.
This allows people to receive feedback evenly and process it better. They don’t get blinded by the brightness of praise. Nor do they feel suffocated by the walls of criticism.
Think about this the next time you give feedback or receive it. Brush aside the cobwebs of opinions. Bring to light what actually transpired. And the road towards growth will emerge from it.
