So, you’ve dealt with passive-aggression. What now? You’ve had the talk. You’ve stayed calm. You’ve asked for what you need. But what about long-term? How do you keep things healthy without falling back into the same drama?
Here are some ways to take care of yourself in the long run.
Use Assertive Communication
Passive-aggression lives in unclear communication. So, show them the opposite.
- Be direct but kind.
- Say what you mean without blaming.
- Praise honesty, even when it’s uncomfortable.
When you model healthy talk, some people start mirroring it.
Be the Adult
The Transactional Analysis model, developed by Eric Berne, lays out 3 states that all of us operate from: Child, Parent and Adult. Passive-aggression often reflects someone operating from a Child ego state (rebellious, sulking, indirectly resisting authority).
- If you respond from a Parent ego state (scolding, shaming), it worsens the dynamic.
- Instead, respond from an Adult ego state—calm, factual, non-judgmental.
For example:
- They (Child): “Sure, I’ll do it…” but then deliberately forget.
- You (Adult): “I noticed this task wasn’t done. Let’s talk about what’s blocking it.”
This model helps you avoid emotional traps and keep communication constructive.
Try Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
This method, developed by Marshall Rosenberg, has 4 simple steps:
- Observe – Describe what you saw/heard without judging.
- I noticed the deadline was missed.
- Feel – Express your feelings. Don’t get into what other’s might be feeling.
- I felt concerned because it affected our team’s planning.
- Need – Explain the underlying need.
- I need reliable updates to be able to plan well.
- Request – Make a specific, doable request.
- Can you let me know sooner if there’s a delay?
It’s soft, yet firm. No accusations, just clarity.
Set Clear Boundaries
You can be understanding, but don’t tolerate repeated patterns.
“I want to work together well, but silent treatment won’t help. Can we agree to talk it out?”
Boundaries are kindness—for yourself and for them.
Know When to Step Back
Sometimes, no matter how kind or calm you are, the behavior doesn’t change. That’s okay. If nothing changes, protect your own peace.
- At work: loop in HR or a manager.
- At home: limit your exposure to the drama. If it’s unavoidable, seek professional help or counselling. No one deserves to live in such an environment.
Remember, you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change. Sometimes, walking away and cutting your losses is the best strategy.
Take Care of Your Own Energy
Passive-aggression can drain you emotionally. So, refill your tank.
- Talk to a friend or mentor
- Journal your feelings
- Find a routine that helps you relax
You can’t change them, but you can control how much it affects you.
Culture Change Takes Time
Be prepared for the long road ahead. If it’s a team or family dynamic, know this: change won’t happen overnight. But small, consistent actions—being calm, clear, and kind—can shift the tone over time.
Remember, healthy communication starts with you. Stay true to your values, even when others don’t.
References
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201906/passive-aggression-in-the-workplace/
- https://www.simplypsychology.org/how-to-respond-to-passive-aggressive-behavior.html/
- https://www.allprodad.com/engaging-the-passive-aggressive-family-member/
- https://www.talktoangel.com/blog/signs-and-effects-of-passive-aggression-in-couples/
- https://mindfulhealthsolutions.com/8-effective-strategies-for-dealing-with-passive-aggressive-individuals/
- https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/passive-aggressive-behavior/
- https://www.verywellmind.com/subtle-bullies-coping-with-passive-aggressive-people-4018517/
- https://www.mtdtraining.com/blog/what-is-transactional-analysis-model-examples.htm/
- https://thewellnesssociety.org/dear-man-dbt-skill/
- https://www.cultureally.com/blog/nonviolent-communication-a-guide-to-empathetic-conversation/
